Throughout my lifetime I’ve left pieces of my heart here and there. And now, there’s almost barely enough to stay alive. But I force a smile, knowing that my ambition far exceeded my talent.
You can die of a broken heart — it’s scientific fact — and my heart has been breaking since that very first day we met. I can feel it now, aching deep behind my rib cage the way it does every time we’re together, beating a desperate rhythm: Love me. Love me. Love me.
Stole my confidence. Arent you supposed to make me feel good about myself? Shouldn’t I feel like I’m the best when I’m at my worst? How can I when you point out everything wrong? Who would feel like their significant other only has eyes for you, when they make note of your downsides or slight imperfections. I guess its supposed to be like this? I mean I guess I go about it in a different way. Then again, you’re not me. Does that mean that how you do these things is right? It seems when I’m feeling good and looking right, you point out the lent on my shirt or the slight wrinkle in my pants. Oh that one strand of hair is out of place. Thats shirt doesn’t match. Fix your hat this way. Now I’m self conscious. Now I’m finding the little things as well. Omg I cant go out like this. Why is she even with me. How can she be attracted to a guy like me. Who could ever love someone who looks like this….
Say please stay.
I shouldnt have to ask for time. I shouldn’t have to ask for a kiss or a hug. I do too much. You spend more time gone and aggravated than here with me. I fucking got a text saying you were depressed and in a funk. So I get off work early, go ahopping to make exactly what you asked for, even bought you flowers. Cleaned up, finished clothes. ..just for the phone call saying you were going again. How am I supposed to feel? Like you want to be here? Like I’m important…or maybe even first in your life…sure.
I’m so close. I’m just barely holding it together at this moment. I can barely type this. If my insides were visible. I can’t hold it together right now. You walk right by and act as if you don’t care. You see right past me. Everyone else gets your full attention and the one person you love gets the absolutely nothing. I’m screaming inside for you, but you can’t hear and its like you don’t care. How can this be. I get spit on bit its me. Well I cant help it anymore. I can’t carry the weight. I can’t keep it in line. I’m falling apart and you’re just standing there watching me…
I’m saying this now…I can’t bare this load much longer. I truly am tired of always being the bigger person and trying to figure things out. I really can’t handle it. It won’t end pleasantly and whether or not I look bad in the end, it really won’t matter. My mind body and soul are just weary. I dont want to give up, but its worse than before. I’m the last person to hear about things and I’m slowly falling to a distant 2nd. By distant, I mean almost non existent. If you’re not first, you’re last. This isnt how it should be…
I will say its me. Im crazy. I go back and forth trying to figure out whats wrong, if there is something wrong, why, how, when. My mind comes up with the craziest of crazy ideas.
You were right today when you said I convince myself of some of these things.
You werw wrong about it happening forever and always being like that. I wasnt always like this. Everything thats happened is just fresh in my mind and even that is still not an excuse.
The anger you have is mind blowing, but I have no one to blame todag but myself. For everyrhing that has happened before has nothing to do with how I was today…because it is the past. I cannot keep letting the past cause me these problems, us these problems. God i wish I could do this morning over again. To see that smile, that laugh. I guess I just wanted more. I expected more. But i shouldnt. I should know you wouldnt be with me if you didnt want to. For some reason I convince myself you are being fake, doing things because i expect them, not because you want to. Its crazy. Im crazy. I just want you to know im going to fix this. Fix this one on my own. Even if its too late. I hope its not because like everyrhing else I will do my best to make changes to better myself and us. Make things as easy on you as possible. Im so sorry and I love you more than you will ever know.
I’ll be first. I’ll be the most important. And not because youre sick or emotional or youre on your period. I want to be first because I’m me. Because I do all say all and try to be all. Iiterally believe in my heart that these things are true. The scariest thing is…I can never tell you. I can never say whats going on and let you know how I feel. The backlash for telling you how I feel sometimes hurts more than the feelings I’m trying to get out. I want you to go out of your way. I want you to do something just because, just something you know I would like. You wrote not long ago about how it was if I didnt care…well what does that make you? Your reactions to my most trouble some thoughts are instsnt anger without giving me a chance to do the very thing I’m trying to get out. If this is a selfish request, then foe the first time in my life, I’ll gladly be selfish.