I’m so close. I’m just barely holding it together at this moment. I can barely type this. If my insides were visible. I can’t hold it together right now. You walk right by and act as if you don’t care. You see right past me. Everyone else gets your full attention and the one person you love gets the absolutely nothing. I’m screaming inside for you, but you can’t hear and its like you don’t care. How can this be. I get spit on bit its me. Well I cant help it anymore. I can’t carry the weight. I can’t keep it in line. I’m falling apart and you’re just standing there watching me…
I’m saying this now…I can’t bare this load much longer. I truly am tired of always being the bigger person and trying to figure things out. I really can’t handle it. It won’t end pleasantly and whether or not I look bad in the end, it really won’t matter. My mind body and soul are just weary. I dont want to give up, but its worse than before. I’m the last person to hear about things and I’m slowly falling to a distant 2nd. By distant, I mean almost non existent. If you’re not first, you’re last. This isnt how it should be…
I will say its me. Im crazy. I go back and forth trying to figure out whats wrong, if there is something wrong, why, how, when. My mind comes up with the craziest of crazy ideas.
You were right today when you said I convince myself of some of these things.
You werw wrong about it happening forever and always being like that. I wasnt always like this. Everything thats happened is just fresh in my mind and even that is still not an excuse.
The anger you have is mind blowing, but I have no one to blame todag but myself. For everyrhing that has happened before has nothing to do with how I was today…because it is the past. I cannot keep letting the past cause me these problems, us these problems. God i wish I could do this morning over again. To see that smile, that laugh. I guess I just wanted more. I expected more. But i shouldnt. I should know you wouldnt be with me if you didnt want to. For some reason I convince myself you are being fake, doing things because i expect them, not because you want to. Its crazy. Im crazy. I just want you to know im going to fix this. Fix this one on my own. Even if its too late. I hope its not because like everyrhing else I will do my best to make changes to better myself and us. Make things as easy on you as possible. Im so sorry and I love you more than you will ever know.
I’ll be first. I’ll be the most important. And not because youre sick or emotional or youre on your period. I want to be first because I’m me. Because I do all say all and try to be all. Iiterally believe in my heart that these things are true. The scariest thing is…I can never tell you. I can never say whats going on and let you know how I feel. The backlash for telling you how I feel sometimes hurts more than the feelings I’m trying to get out. I want you to go out of your way. I want you to do something just because, just something you know I would like. You wrote not long ago about how it was if I didnt care…well what does that make you? Your reactions to my most trouble some thoughts are instsnt anger without giving me a chance to do the very thing I’m trying to get out. If this is a selfish request, then foe the first time in my life, I’ll gladly be selfish.
Well if that’s the case I must be the best. I feel like a damn broken record. I’m always wrong to some people. No matter what I did or didn’t do. It’s crazy! You can get furious with me for something, that’s fine and if I get mad at the exact same thing then im wrong? What the fuck! I don’t know how that even works.
It just shows you have no respect for me and how I feel if you don’t agree with it. I could do everything the way you do and you would look at it as if I’m wrong yet it was right when you did it. Though what’s worse is if I I b did things like you. ..we wouldn’t be. I’m caring concerning thoughtful in every way towards you. Why can’t you be that way to me. When do I get to be right in b these situations. There are so many things I want I to say. But what’s the point. A broken record is no good anymore. It won’t serve is purpose to taj it. ..wait now it makes sense.
What does it mean to me?
Exactly what it was meant to…my world revolves around you so therefore I would never intentionally do something to disrespect you. But does that even matter? Oh wait, probably not. So I’ll just sit here being the best thing that has ever happen3d to you while you feel like I’m nothing. No big deal.
Whats it like…I want win. I want to be in top. Can I, AL know what its like to be on top? Feeling like winning must be excellent. It must be worth the struggle…I dont know. I see people winning. Looks like something I want to try. To be the winner or on top or in first place must be EPIC.
GOD, before I’m spent…can I win? Can I have it all? Can I finish before everyone else? Being good is getting old for me. Losing on a daily basis makes my eyes water. Feeling the loss makes my heart scream. But whatever. Who cares. Typi g this makes my eyes water. It makes me literally want someone to read this and feel my pain. Feel my hearts fucked up beat. I said I didnt want pitty, but the feeling is overwhelming to a point of wanting to share