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Archive for October 2013

One day

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I’ll be first. I’ll be the most important. And not because youre sick or emotional or youre on your period. I want to be first because I’m me. Because I do all say all and try to be all. Iiterally believe in my heart that these things are true. The scariest thing is…I can never tell you. I can never say whats going on and let you know how I feel. The backlash for telling you how I feel sometimes hurts more than the feelings I’m trying to get out. I want you to go out of your way. I want you to do something just because, just something you know I would like. You wrote not long ago about how it was if I didnt care…well what does that make you? Your reactions to my most trouble some thoughts are instsnt anger without giving me a chance to do the very thing I’m trying to get out. If this is a selfish request, then foe the first time in my life, I’ll gladly be selfish.

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October 31, 2013 at 11:54 am

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Records are made to be broken

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Well if that’s the case I must be the best. I feel like a damn broken record. I’m always wrong to some people. No matter what I did or didn’t do. It’s crazy! You can get furious with me for something, that’s fine and if I get mad at the exact same thing then im wrong? What the fuck! I don’t know how that even works.

It just shows you have no respect for me and how I feel if you don’t agree with it. I could do everything the way you do and you would look at it as if I’m wrong yet it was right when you did it.  Though what’s worse is if I I b did things like you. ..we wouldn’t be. I’m caring concerning thoughtful in every way towards you. Why can’t you be that way to me. When do I get to be right in b these situations. There are so many things I want I to say.  But what’s the point. A broken record is no good anymore. It won’t serve is purpose to taj it. ..wait now it makes sense.

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October 26, 2013 at 5:07 pm

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R E S P E C T

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What does it mean to me?

Exactly what it was meant to…my world revolves around you so therefore I would never intentionally do something to disrespect you. But does that even matter? Oh wait, probably not. So I’ll just sit here being the best thing that has ever happen3d to you while you feel like I’m nothing.  No big deal.

-U.B.

Written by sxt004

October 20, 2013 at 4:35 am

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Knowing is half the battle..

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Whats it like…I want win. I want to be in top. Can I, AL know what its like to be on top? Feeling like winning must be excellent. It must be worth the struggle…I dont know. I see people winning. Looks like something I want to try.  To be the winner or on top or in first place must be EPIC.

GOD, before I’m spent…can I win? Can I have it all? Can I finish before everyone else? Being good is getting old for me. Losing on a daily basis makes my eyes water. Feeling the loss makes my heart scream.  But whatever. Who cares. Typi g this makes my eyes water. It makes me literally want someone to read this and feel my pain. Feel my hearts fucked up beat. I said I didnt want pitty, but the feeling is overwhelming to a point of wanting to share

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October 13, 2013 at 5:49 am

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Fuck you

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Fuck you for making me feel like this. Fuck you for making me less than I am. Fuck you for making me feel like less of a man.

There are so many that tell you how lucky you are…but fuck you for not listening.

Fuck you for making everything my fault. Fuck you for never being wrong.  And fuck you for making it ALWAYS ABOUT YOU.

I’m tired of feeling like less than a man because you have an excuse. Its always somehow on my shoulders. Well fuck that. If we dont go…its on me. If it doesnt work out…its on me. Fuck that.

I’m tired of being one and only and not not being one amd only to you. I’m fucking whiney and bring shit up…its because im a damn grown up. I am an adult. If something happened 5 minutes ago and you make me feel like I’m no worth a fuck…then fuck that. You will never know til I’m gone. You will never appreciate me til its done. You will never understand what you have til its too late.

So fuck you. Fuck your bullshit and fuck you for caring more about you than myself.  Fuck you for not appreciating me. Fuck you for feeling bad. Fuck you for making it about you and your feelings and NEVER about mine.

Written by sxt004

October 13, 2013 at 4:33 am

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The strongest dont survive

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The reality of life is we all die alone. Simple as that. I can live my life for 7 years for another person. Continually getting better…but…it could leave me alone when all is said and done.

How do you know, you ask? You dont. The only thing I know is how I feel. That feeling is I would rather end it all than know what its like to not have you. That look, that feel. Just the slightest feeling that can only be desceibed by someone with a broken heart.

As I stated in my previous post…I hope this is just me and not you…well I guess I hoped for the impossible. I feel so far from you right now because of me and because of you. I was right all along. I say it all the time I hate being wrong. I wish I were wrong.

I dont want to be alone. I dont want to just keep getting shit on. I want to have, hold, and be loved. Thats not alot to ask for when you have nothi g else.

You see Karmen, youve always been that difference. Ya know, that second guess.  Hey, I may not live this life alone. Hey I may not live for everyone but myslef. Hell I may actually have found my one good thing in life. But I feel as of late that I am wrong. For once. Im wrong, but because I was actually right
Im sorry
I love you. With every ounce of my soul
You arw the only person ive met that understood everything about me, who I am, who I was, and who I want to be.
Im sorry I let you down.
Im sorry I wasnt enough.
Im sorry I was such a fucking fool for believing I deserved something…something like you.
Every love song, every movie, every part of falling madly in love with someone has always been because you showed me. Gah I care for you. Your beauty only begins on the surface! I hoped I would be the one that proved that to you. But I wont be able to. I gave when I shouldnt have and didnt when I should. I messed us up. One more chance would be too much for an imperfect fool like me.

Just an imperfect, alone, emotional, lonely, soul who deserves what he got. This isnt about pity parties anymore. Its about truth and accepting myself for what I am..
The universes bitch
The worlds dumpster
The human souls shoulder to cry on.
A joke.
Youre just a joke boy. A silly little joke of a wanna be man…

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October 5, 2013 at 7:28 am

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And still

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I found myself lastnight being farther away. Its like that distant feeling has come back. Im just uncomfortable with the idea that its me. Not you this time. I hope it isnt you. I just dont know why I’m feeling like this. I dont want to be without you or away from you. Maybe my constant searching for a retun of affection has just gotten to me. Its unbelieveable how I feel as I’ve always been the one that well…never felt like this. I dont want this or know exactly how to make it go away. I want to talk to you about it but I’m afraid. Im afraid you feel the same, afraid you will start to feel the same, afraid things will go back sour between us. Its all just too much to handle and I feel like im going insane. Im sorry. Im so so sorry…

Written by sxt004

October 3, 2013 at 3:45 pm

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