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Archive for November 2013

Very Cold

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I’m so close. I’m just barely holding it together at this moment. I can barely type this. If my insides were visible. I can’t hold it together right now. You walk right by and act as if you don’t care.  You see right past me. Everyone else gets your full attention and the one person you love gets the absolutely nothing. I’m screaming inside for you, but you can’t hear and its like you don’t care. How can this be. I get spit on bit its me. Well I cant help it anymore. I can’t carry the weight. I can’t keep it in line. I’m falling apart and you’re just standing there watching me…

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November 18, 2013 at 8:45 pm

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This place is a prison

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I’m saying this now…I can’t bare this load much longer. I truly am tired of always being the bigger person and trying to figure things out. I really can’t handle it. It won’t end pleasantly and whether or not I look bad in the end, it really won’t matter. My mind body and soul are just weary. I dont want to give up, but its worse than before. I’m the last person to hear about things and I’m slowly falling to a distant 2nd. By distant,  I mean almost non existent.  If you’re not first, you’re last. This isnt how it should be…

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November 17, 2013 at 6:58 pm

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I want you to know

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I will say its me. Im crazy. I go back and forth trying to figure out whats wrong, if there is something wrong, why, how,  when. My mind comes up with the craziest of crazy ideas.
You were right today when you said I convince myself of some of these things.
You werw wrong about it happening forever and always being like that. I wasnt always like this. Everything thats happened is just fresh in my mind and even that is still not an excuse.
The anger you have is mind blowing, but I have no one to blame todag but myself. For everyrhing that has happened before has nothing to do with how I was today…because it is the past. I cannot keep letting the past cause me these problems, us these problems. God i wish I could do this morning over again. To see that smile, that laugh. I guess I just wanted more. I expected more. But i shouldnt. I should know you wouldnt be with me if you didnt want to. For some reason I convince myself you are being fake, doing things because i expect them, not because you want to. Its crazy. Im crazy. I just want you to know im going to fix this. Fix this one on my own. Even if its too late. I hope its not because like everyrhing else I will do my best to make changes to better myself and us. Make things as easy on you as possible. Im so sorry and I love you more than you will ever know.

Written by sxt004

November 3, 2013 at 9:35 pm

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